Lifes Many Truths
by Fish-Inton
Summary: If the Good Doctor wrote books... originally 'Relationships: The Truth' - NEW CHAPTER! Cooking for the inlaws... enjoy!
1. relationships: the truth

A/N: If the good doctor wrote a book, briefly explaining how to 'get the girl/guy', what would it be like? Just a brief little bit of insanity...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog, Doctor Lecter, Clarice Starling or Paul Krendler, the titles listed are my own creation, as is the fan-mail address mentioned.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Bon giorno," to you, the reader. You are reading 'Relationships - the truth'   
  
A suggestion, before we start, is to familiarise yourself with the works of Dante Alighieri. Not that this book refers to anything, I'm just spreading the word of good literature to all universal plonkers out there... peace and love, man... NOW LET ME EAT YOUR HIPPY LIVER!!!  
  
breathe in 2, 3, 4 and out 2, 3, 4...  
  
Back to the book then...   
  
LESSON 1: making conversation... in steps, for your convenience:  
  
STEP ONE:  
  
Walk up to your chosen meal... I mean victim... uh... special person. Raise your hand, left or right, and move it from side to side repeatedly. This action is commonly known as a 'wave'. Practice this regularly in front of a mirror.  
  
STEP TWO:  
  
To accompany your wave, once perfected, is the word: "Hello." This lets that special person know that you're talking to them and are a total goofball... erm, nice person. It also acts as an explanation for why you are waving madly at them. As a doctor, I suggest you seek professional help if this fails to work.  
  
STEP THREE:  
  
Talk about subjects that interest you, whether you think Sonic the Hedgehog is on crack perhaps, or maybe you'd like to discuss ways to torture and eventually kill your boss/teachers.   
  
NOTE:  
  
If you are still standing in front of the mirror, waving madly, yelling "hello" and talking to the mirror about what subjects interest you, I suggest you get out there and try to do this for real. The mirror is NOT an avaliable partner.  
  
LESSON 2: what happens when a relationship goes downhill. A particular scenario is what happens when you trap that special person's hair in a refrigirator and end up cuffed to them. Once more, this is in steps, all for you.  
  
STEP ONE:  
  
Royally freak out your chosen special person by giving them a phone call, praying they don't yell at you for waking them up. Lead them to a supermarket and tell them to stalk the guy called Larry, stacking shelves on aisle four. Little do they know, Larry is new at the store. NOW, you've freaked out Larry and your special person.  
  
STEP TWO:  
  
Upon being captured by a seemingly faceless man and his cronies, relax and wait for that very special person to rescue you. If you are reading this as giant wild boars eat your feet, I suggest you put the book down and rethink your strategy.  
  
STEP THREE:  
  
When you are saved, with or without your feet, it is almost certain that they will be shot with two tranquillisers... AFTER handing you the knife which you cut your bonds with, of course. Pick up that person, careful of where you put your bare feet in the mud (icky!), the pigs should be making short work now of the eeeevil henchmen hired to kill you. A few choice words from you and your arch enemy goes to the piggies to! YAY! WHOOP! Take your wounded, but still special, person to their car, preferably a black Roush Mustang and drive to the place you've been living for a bit.  
  
STEP FOUR:  
  
MORPHINE! STITCHES! MORPHINE! MORPHIIIIINE!  
  
So much morphine, your doped up special person will think you are a blue pincushion called Sonic.  
  
Now that you have Clarice, erm... your special person, at your mercy, make a special dinner. Invite their boss (or teacher *hopeful*) to tea and saw off the top of his/her skull, thus revealing their grey matter. Chop up some vegetables and stuff to go with the brains *droolingnesses* erm... indeed... moving swiftly on...  
  
STEP FIVE:  
  
We must now take into account how wrong things can go. If the special person (swaying from the morphine) chases you or attempts to kill you with a candlestick, lock their hair in a conveniently placed fridge door. Ask them a weird question, making you sound like you've been on the morphine too, if they reply:  
  
"NEVER! NOT IN A TRILLION TIMEZONES!" dont' kill them... yet, just bite them...  
  
Having second thoughts?  
  
Well... you can attempt to kiss them... always worth a try... just don't forget to watch out for handcuffs.  
  
In the event of emergencies including handcuffs that are NOT luminous pink and fluffy:  
  
STEP ONE:  
  
Find decent sized chopping board. Find heavy, sharp, pointy object (ie: cleaver)  
  
STEP TWO:  
  
Raise (insert name of knife here) and say how much this is going to hurt. Being VERY careful, as you should be with heavy and sharp, point objects, cut off your hand... OR the 'so called' special person's hand... depending entirely on how you feel.  
  
Now, you make a speedy getaway... on a unicycle, with a clown called Bob, who has big feet and wears a funny hat. Anybody seen on a unicycle, in the middle of the night, with Bob the clown, who had big feet and wears a funny hat, is insane and therefore not a suspect for the oncoming FBI and police forces.  
  
Then, get on a plane and go somewhere else in the world to try this all over again.   
  
That brings 'Relationships - the truth' to a close. Other titles by Doctor Lecter include:  
  
+ COOKING FOR THE IN-LAWS  
  
+ CHIANTI AND LIVER - STORY OF THE CENSUS TAKER  
  
+ PROFESSIONAL GUTTING - BY A PROFESSIONAL  
  
+ WHY I LIKE TO EAT PEOPLE - A BRIEF EXPLANATION  
  
+ EMOTIONS OF THE EMOTIONLESS - A SENTENCE OR TWO ABOUT ME AND MY EMOTIONS  
  
+ LECTER'S LOOPY LUNCH IDEAS - FOR THE KIDS  
  
+ IF YOU CAN STILL FEEL YOUR TOES, LET ME KNOW - CANNIBALISTIC POETRY  
  
+ LACY UNDERWEAR - THE TRUTH IS IN THE LINGERIE DEPARTMENT! (an unhealthy obsession with Marks and Spencers lingerie)  
  
Doctor Lecter can be reached at:  
  
Lecter Writes  
  
THE OFFICE  
  
Somewhere Here  
  
Shadowlands  
  
Second Star to the Right  
  
Italy  
  
[fan mail not guaranteed a reply, Doctor Lecter is a very busy fugitive] 


	2. cooking for the inlaws

DISCLAIMER: you know it already...  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
COOKING FOR THE IN-LAWS  
  
if you have inlaws...  
  
do they constantly ramble on about the neighbours being... annoying?  
  
do they constantly whine about the electricity bill or other bills?  
  
does your mother in-law constantly swoon when Bill, from the bowls club, comes for tea? Does your father in-law notice?!   
  
DO YOU HAVE IN-LAWS?!  
  
if not... lucky you... nor do i...  
  
In THIS book, I, Doctor Hannibal Lecter, will teach you how to cook for the in-laws.  
  
Once again, I have considered those harebrained few of you whom do not understand an essay and have put all commands into steps. Do make an attempt at keeping up.  
  
Firstly, we will start with the starters... ironic, isn't it?  
  
STEP ONE:  
  
Dig up an age old cookbook and make a starter.  
  
STEP TWO:   
  
Serve it. With style. Well, just don't slip on the linoleum floor or get too engrossed in a TV program whilst holding your mother-in-laws dinner - you might drop it.  
  
Seconds are the maincourse, which will undoubtedly confuse many of you:  
  
STEP ONE:   
  
Re-dig up the said cookbook and pluck out a nice sounding main course... or go for cotton candy - all of the ancients like that... probably because they can gum it to death when they remove their dentures... *shudders at memories of toothless gummy grandpa Lecter*  
  
STEP TWO:  
  
Serve the said main course with the said amount of style, again not becoming too engrossed in the said TV program on the TV...   
  
STEP THREE:   
  
Eat also, or your stomach may begin to make embarassing sounds whilst you wait for the TV program to finish next time you leave for the kitchen and become engrossed again in the TV show... *kills Mickey Mouse* the TV show, of course, is NOT a Disney show. But they don't know that... *dies*  
  
DESSERT TIME! ice cream and stuff...  
  
OR  
  
As an alternative, IF and only IF the In-Laws are getting on your nerves... and perhaps your other half too... you could throw them into a giant pot and boil them... then finally get to eat your own dinner...   
  
Personally, i think the alternative is much easier...  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
COMING SOON:  
  
+ CHIANTI AND LIVER - STORY OF THE CENSUS TAKER  
  
+ PROFESSIONAL GUTTING - BY A PROFESSIONAL  
  
+ WHY I LIKE TO EAT PEOPLE - A BRIEF EXPLANATION  
  
+ EMOTIONS OF THE EMOTIONLESS - A SENTENCE OR TWO ABOUT ME AND MY EMOTIONS  
  
+ LECTER'S LOOPY LUNCH IDEAS - FOR THE KIDS  
  
+ IF YOU CAN STILL FEEL YOUR TOES, LET ME KNOW - CANNIBALISTIC POETRY  
  
+ LACY UNDERWEAR - THE TRUTH IS IN THE LINGERIE DEPARTMENT! (an unhealthy obsession with Marks and Spencers lingerie)  
  
AND: Fan-Mail, what do they send him? What is his reply? Find out in...  
  
+ THE FAN-MAIL CHRONICLES - A LIST OF SORTS  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: I know this one was short, but i've been suffering writers block and haven't read any fan-fictions for ages... so it's going to be slow... i don't really have any ideas for the other titles yet, BUT i do have the fan-mail sorted, perhaps i'll post that up and leave it as a 3 chapter... tell me what you think i should do 


End file.
